Case Note #1

Dear Casey,
 
Remember that time you, me, Colby, and Cassie all went to Sonic super late at night and Cassie and Colby were bickering with her friend that showed up and I was complaining about being tired? And you told me what I needed was a grape Sprite? Except I said something perverted instead. =P But we both pointed at each other and winked at the same time. >< And that turned into our "code phrase" for inappropriate comments, or we'd just do the point and wink -p&w- and know exactly what it meant. We'd do it just to irritate Colby, haha.
 
Sigh. I miss you, Case.

Dear Casey

   The first time I met Casey is branded very clearly in my mind, but he didn't remember it at all. Unsurprising, really, since when we met I was probably - to Casey, anyway - just one of the many female students that visited his dad. His dad, whom I have called Sensei since I met him in tenth grade, was my favorite teacher in high school (he was almost everyone's favorite). Over the past five years he's become almost a father to me, especially this past year when I became an unofficial member of his family.
   This particular afternoon was in the fall of 2011, my first semester of community college. I was visiting Sensei after school had been let out, when Casey came in after soccer practice, sweaty and just normal Casey. I still remember the shirt he was wearing. It came to be one of my favorites. Upon introduction, my first thought was, "so. This is the other Price boy." There wasn't much else to think about him, in my mind. He was a freshman, I was in college, and to my condescending eyes he appeared otherwise unremarkable except for the fact that he was the flesh and blood of one of the people nearest to my heart.
   After that first meeting, I was very curious as to what type of person Sensei's youngest son was, but I only saw him a couple of times after that whenever I was hanging around Sensei in the afternoons and Case came in from soccer. Casey always insisted he didn't remember that at all. To Casey, the first time we met was in April, 2012.
   His older brother, Colby, had recently become one of my new friends (I had precious few). We'd bonded over a new book that had come out, and for the first time we were hanging out outside of the high school (Colby was a senior at the time). I was preparing to depart their home so I could prepare for Saturday night swing dancing when it occurred to me to invite Colby. I'd never brought a dancing partner; I always went with my best friend, Leah. As he was agreeing, Casey came home, sweaty from soccer as usual, and out of a mixture of politeness and a very intense curiosity, I invited Casey too.
   It was one of the most fun nights I've ever had. Casey had absolutely no sense of rhythm, but he was so laid-back and good-natured about being awful at dancing, just like he was about everything else in his life. I spent the whole evening teaching him how to swing dance, and he laughed at himself even more than I laughed at him. I think I fell in love that very night.
   The next few months saw Casey, Colby, my sister Cassie, and me through a series of adventures that brought the four of us very close. In May, Cassie and Colby skipped school and we snatched Casey up for his birthday, and later that month I also met most of their extended family at Colby's graduation. June and July were full of a series of ridiculous adventures like going to the zoo or staying up all night watching horror movies. It wasn't until August though that Casey and I really got together.
   Colby had gone away to college. Cassie had started her senior year. My fear that we would all fall apart and I'd lose the few friends I had was starting to become reality. I was lucky, though. Although it was a bit strange being with Casey by myself, when I told him I was afraid of losing everyone, he admitted to the same thing, and from August, 2012 we were almost inseparable.
   Obviously, a lot of people were concerned. Case and I were four years apart. We dealt with suspicion from everyone, but for the most part just laughed it off. We were just best friends. I was practically his sister, staying at the house all night, knowing the alarm codes, helping with the chores, studying the Bible with Sensei. It was probably the happiest time of my life, and I was completely in love with my best friend.
   He baptized me on Sunday, September 9th, 2012.
   He told me he loved me (as a friend) on Thursday, September 27th, 2012.
   He kissed me for the first time on Friday, October 12th, 2012.
   I was living in another world. It felt like so many things were coming together. I was part of a family I would do anything for. I had a best friend that I would do anything for.
   The only thing wrong was that I was deceiving Sensei, and he was second only to Casey in my affections. To the rest of the world, Casey and I were just best friends, just siblings. Casey, Colby, and I had long since stopped trying to explain to strangers my relationship with their family. It was easier for Sensei and the Mrs. to just let people think I was their child. It was easy for us three kids to act like brothers and sister. The whole time only Casey and I knew, although my sister and our two girl friends were aware that I "had a crush" on my best friend.
   The next nine months romanced Casey and myself through Thanksgiving and Christmas, through the loss of my job in November, through our first real fight in January, through me finally applying to "real college," through Colby's terrible breakup on Valentine's day, through my birthday in March, through getting my new job at an elementary school, through Casey's birthday in May. This summer, the summer of 2013, would've been the best summer - June was full of swimming pools and trips to the movies and the zoo; July full of fireworks and planning for the school year - except on Wednesday, July 24th, 2013, Casey left my life.
   I suppose it was bound to happen. It didn't matter how mature he was for his age. It didn't matter that my worst fear was people leaving me. The timing was wrong.
   I had two small, bitter consolations that night. The first was that Sensei stayed up comforting me and I was finally able to put an end to the lies we'd been feeding him. He never knew I was "in that deep." And he doesn't think that his son was "mature enough" to have loved me as much I loved him. He thought Case just lost a casual girlfriend. I didn't see the need to correct him. Maybe he was right.
   My second consolation was that I loved Casey enough to let him go. I finally learned to love someone more than myself. I finally reached the place where I could put God in the place in my life where He belongs, a place I'd put Casey in.
   It's been three weeks and it doesn't hurt any less than it did on that night. It's going to be a long journey, but God will eventually heal my heart, even if it feels impossible right now. Eventually, God will be in the place only He can be, even if now He seems a universe away. Eventually, I'll figure out how to do something incredible with my life for Him, even though without Casey, it all seems pointless.
   I may have lost Casey, and I may be drowning in a love he no longer feels, but I haven't lost God, and I'm sure that soon I will find myself overwhelmed by an ocean of love that won't abandon me. In addition to other distractions, it's my hope that writing will help ease the pain of my broken heart, and I plan on cataloguing my journey to becoming someone incredible. So. Dear Casey, don't forget our short 14 months of silly adventures. I'll use this blog to keep you reminded.

Red, over and out.